TRUTH & VULNERABILITY

When I was a kid, I had a serious phobia of needles. I hated immunisations and I would throw such a fit, that my Mum had to give me some Diazepam a couple times to stop me from jumping all over the surgery.  When I was 19 or 20, I started donating blood so that I could get over it.  Nowadays, even though I still don’t like injections, I don’t mind them so much.

This will be my most vulnerable post.  When I get in to it though I’m not sure you’ll really get why. I just kinda feel like I need to get it out so I can get over it, just like I got over the shots.

I get asked a lot why I’m single.  To be honest what tf kinda question is that?  Like, is it meant as a compliment? Sometimes I’m not sure and frankly it pisses me off a bit.  Firstly, it’s said like a relationship is something someone ‘needs’, secondly, it implies that there’s something ‘wrong’ with that person, and thirdly, mind ya damn business..?

Alas, here I go.  Some honesty in the midst of this ever irritating question and maybe it’ll open a window of understanding into some of my kindred soul brothers and sisters.

The thing is- I’m scared. Shitless.  I’ve been hurt quite a lot and that mixed at the root of some age old Daddy issues, I tend to sabotage things given half the chance.  I’m a self proclaimed ‘wanker magnet’ and the only men I’ve ever seemed to give a real damn about have hurt my little heart.

As I’ve mentioned a number of times before, I suck at balance. I’m an all or nothing person and I think at times, that quality of myself some people can find hard to take.  At first with my relationships, I was suffering from some serious self-worth issues where I never really felt good enough for anyone, which only led to me over compensating for what I felt I lacked.  Doing too much, being too kind, too available, too generous.  I gave my all to those I cared for and I guess for some people it was difficult for them to accept the size of the love that I wanted to give.  

Over the years of being single (there have ‘officially’ been about five), I’ve worked quite extensively on my headspace to the point where feelings of self doubt only take up a flicker of what used to be a roaring fire in my gut.  Now it’s not a matter of self-worth, or being ‘enough’ (like, shit- I know I’m pretty epically amazing and I am damn proud of it).  I don’t look for my happiness in other people, I nourish it in myself.

Despite this; balance I continue to lack.  And even after years of PMA, I struggled really hard to not beat myself up about being a soft hearted girl who loved too easily.  So easily, that it scared the shit out of me and in the end, it was something that I relentlessly tried to avoid.  Every time I’d think ‘fuck it’, and get to know someone, I’d always fall for the bad boy who deep down I knew would break my heart.  

The thing is, I’m a real nurturer.  I like to take care of people, that’s how I show my love.  In retrospect I realise that constantly choosing these kinds of people, it was the little girl in me trying to fix her mixed up Father who she loved more than anything.  The first man who ever broke my heart.  I’m not going to get into that now, maybe thats a story for another day, but the point is- a couple of years ago my dear Daddy became the man I always wanted him to be.  He started showing up for me, listening, putting new tires on my car and keeping his promises. So now I think it’s time for me to grow up too, and let go of the little girl who looks for love in the wrong places and tries to fix everything.  I can’t keep forsaking myself for others who wouldn’t even think to do the same. 

Before you get too ahead of yourself, this isn’t a pathetic ‘I hate love’ post on Valentines Day (honestly I’ve got a super cute date lined up so wish me luck), but I guess you could say it’s kind of the opposite. I love love, I’m a sappy, soft hearted, hopeless romantic.  I just hide behind a protective brick wall trying to keep all the boogie men out.  The thing is- when I let them in, I let them in whole-heartedly. After years of beating myself up for that I’ve decided I’m done.  I’ve never been someone who beats around the bush, I’ve never half assed anything my whole life, I don’t waste my time and I don’t play games in any aspect of my life.  I’ll be damned if I keep making an exception for this part of my life.

I came to realise the other day (following a few depressing hours of watching the news and scrolling through an ever-negative and down-right whiney newsfeed), that there’s enough hate and bullshit in the world. Being an asshole is just too fuggin easy.  And I’m not about the easy life.  I realised, that I would rather love easily, than hate easily.  I realised I’d rather be happy, and look at the world through rose coloured glasses than sit around and bitch about the supposed mountains of lack in my life.

So here I go everyone, this is me.  I love people. I’m going to continue to be my grossly loved up self, and chill the fuck out about it. I’m done caring about appearing vulnerable.  I’m going to get to know people and love people in not only the only way I know how, but the only way that is really true to who I am.  If there is one thing I’ve learned over these past few years of personal growth, the real me is the me people seem to love the most.

So for anyone out there, who’s a little ‘love-phobic’, scared of letting people in, or beats themselves up about being too soft-hearted; I’m with you.  Don’t change, embrace it, there is nothing wrong with you.  Your significant other has already been chosen for you, and they’re not going to know who to look for if you’re not going to be yourself.