INSECURITY & ACCEPTANCE

As y'all know I've been quite honest about my struggles. I'm straight up about self acceptance, of the good and bad. 

One thing I've realised I need to accept lately is that sometimes I find it hard to accept things. Funny that. I think it's only really been this year that I've fully accepted that I feel certain ways about certain things because I suffer from anxiety. Accepted that I take medication for it, and that's ok. Sometimes I'm sad about things that I don't really need to be sad about and that's ok. Sometimes I need to talk myself into calming down, sometimes others need to help me, and that's ok, too.

I've also realised, and this is just today, that I need to accept that while I am a confident person, I'm also somewhat insecure. Sometimes I'm insecure about my body, sometimes I'm insecure about my future and sometimes I'm insecure about relationships. 

Insecurity can manifest itself in different ways. Whether it's posting a rig shot to convince yourself you're still hot, (don't get me wrong, rig shots and selfies are also a celebration of self love), or feeling stuck in your job- like you can't move forward and you can't go back, or by looking for things that are wrong in your relationship when really there's nothing there. 

Every now and then you can have a stroke of genius after giving your busy mind a little rest. You realise the rig shot is like a request for reassurance from strangers, the feeling of being stuck in your job is totally not real, and that you're really trying to find a problem in your relationship because deep down you feel like you don't deserve to be happy. I've always had a great habit of sabotaging things for myself because I've struggled to accept the good. 

Sometimes I can't differentiate whether the things I do, say or feel are because of the anxiety or if they're just a normal fact of being a perfectly imperfect human that overreacts, or gets scared or fucks up sometimes. Sometimes I wish I could have someone dive in to my head and make sense of it all because it can be so exhausting sometimes. This year has been tough, and interesting and wonderful. 

Most recently, I've left my job, and I have no idea where I'm going to next, or when my next pay cheque is coming in. Despite the insecurity of my future, I decided to not be stuck anymore. The funny thing is, along with my habit of sabotage that stems from insecurity, I also developed this pretty neat habit of always knowing that no matter what, everything will always be ok. So far I've gotten through 100% of my bad days, so I haven't kidded myself yet. If anything I'm relieved and kind of excited right now. Weird, huh?

My lovely readers, your life, actions or thoughts might not make sense sometimes and it's normal to feel insecure about that. But like me, so far you've gotten through 100% of your bad moments, your bad days, your bad weeks and your bad months. These times in your life are here to teach you things; strength, resilience and fortitude to name a few. Once you get over your little moments of madness, be grateful for them, then laugh. It's ok.