Today was a bad day

Today I woke up and went for a walk. I spent the time as I usually do mentally listing what I was going to do in my day. The list went something like this;

Breakfast
Train back and shoulders
Unpack my suitcase & tidy room
Clean the kitchen & vacuum the house
Write a positive and motivational blog piece
Help my housemate cook dinner

I got to the first task. However what followed wasn't exactly what I'd planned. I started feeling nauseous as a result of the up and down anxiety I'd been stewing in over the last few days. I became really tired, laid on the couch and my heart started beating hard. I began feeling a little low, my thoughts started scattering a bit and I had no desire to move anywhere.

An hour passed and I forced myself up off the couch, convincing myself that the gym would get my head straight and help me feel better. I got to the front of the gym, then sat in my parked car, and cried. Exhausted, insecure, anxious and somewhat depressed. I tried to pull it together, looked at my face in the rear vision mirror, only to have my red eyes tell me that I sure as hell wasn't stepping foot in the gym today.

I went home annoyed at myself. I haven't had a day like today in a long time, I didn't have it in me to write something positive and up beat; I wanted to deadbolt the door, switch my phone off and just hide away from the world. Then I remembered a conversation I had with my boss before he left for home in The Netherlands.

"Did you ever read that book about the man who had everything he ever needed and was happy everyday of his life?"

"...No?"

"Me either. Because it's not interesting. People only ever want to hear about the struggle, that's what inspires them the most."

I am for the most part an extremely positive and intrinsically motivated person. I have a great job, a beautiful family, gorgeous friends, and a great future ahead of me. I have a car, food in my belly and a roof over my head. I work damn hard, I look after people and nothing in this world makes me happier than when I help someone else feel good about themselves. These are my blessings. However I didn't always see them as clearly as I do today, because I battled depression my entire adolescent life.

I was so sick in my senior year, I was physically incapable of getting out of bed to sit my exams and had to get a derived study score. A horribly disappointing outcome for a straight A student who was asked to skip a grade by the year level coordinator. I didn't even open my graduation results.

The ironic thing about having a family history of mental illness is that although they are somewhat biologically responsible for your messed up head, they're your best friends when it comes to understanding what you're going through. My Mum just about dragged me by the hair to our GP when she'd had enough of me wallowing in self pity.

Doctors orders were medication and fortnightly trips to a psychologist because apparently my overwhelming suicidal thoughts were a cause for concern. Slowly, I got a bit better. I became more comfortable with people and joined a gym. That was the money maker right there. The physical strength I achieved from that place manifested itself in my mind, I was able to ween myself off the meds, and control my own mind thought by thought.

When people think I have my shit together, I do... kinda. It was not an easy climb to the top. It was hard as hell and I doubted myself almost every step of the way. Although I am in a really rad place now, I still have bad days, really bad days, where fighting off the demons is a bit harder than others. And that's ok.

Because on days like today, I-

Eat breakfast
Cry out the front of the gym
Go home
Have a shower
Do something that makes me feel good about myself
Put on Netflix
Eat left over pizza and cake
Write a motivational blog post about how it's ok to succumb to a shitty day every now and then

Appreciate the beautifully fucked up struggle. It makes you who you are.

For anyone who is struggling with mental illness I implore you to speak out about it. You can work through it, I promise.