LESS TAKE MORE GIVE.

The other night I couldn't sleep.  So I started writing things down as I usually do in an effort to clear my head.  I reached out for the first thing I could find to write on, an old notebook shoved under my bed, water damaged and crumpled.  Writing as a way of beating insomnia is a bit like unclogging a drain. You don't know what exactly is stuck down there stopping the flow, so when you write it's pretty much a bunch of word vomit that doesn't make sense you just know it needs to come out.

I wrote a list of 'Silly things keeping me awake tonight'.  I felt like I could breathe easier once I got to the bottom of the blocked drain in my head.  Curious, I flicked back through the pages of this tattered note book wondering what I'd used this particular one for (I have hundreds floating around).  It was one of my many reflection notebooks, full of thoughts of the day, what I'd learned in that day.  What I loved reading more than anything, was my gratitudes for those days and more importantly, the people I was grateful for.  It made me smile.  It was kind of nice wondering, what those particular people had done for me on those days that made me thankful for them.

I wondered if anyone was ever grateful for me the way that I had been grateful for those people on those days.  I deliberately thought of those people, and the good things they had done, and physically written their names down as a proclamation for my gratitude.  That was the impact they had on me.

I watched this quick Facebook video the other day of one of my favourite PMA guru's Tony Robbins.  He was asked, 

'What do you think is the biggest reason relationships fail?'

'When people think of themselves too much'.

This wasn't about looking after yourself and basic love and care, it was about people 'thinking too much about what they can get from a relationship as opposed to what they can give'.  Who is paying for what, who has done more.  Yes, there's a balance, an equal divide, there always is.  But it's also important to catch ourselves when we look at our relationships with others as a trade agreement, our deeds as currency for our own self esteem or personal gain.  We value ourselves to the balance of these relationships.  We keep record and we become obsessed by it.  We forget to just give, we forget to just be and actually enjoy the art of giving.

The people who I was thankful for on those days, probably did nothing extraordinarily special. They didn't buy me a house, take me to Tahiti or clear my debts.  They would have just showed up. They would have just made me smile, laugh, made me feel important.  It made me realise how little effort it takes to be a good person.

So now, everyday I'm going to make a concerned effort to make people thankful for me.  I'm going to just show up, make someone smile, laugh, make them feel important.  And I'm going to reach out to those I was thankful for when I started this tattered notebook back in October 2014, to say a simple 'thanks again'.

THE MIND IS A MUSCLE

I started this year on a high, focused, motivated, hungry.  One thing I have always struggled with is balance.  I'm an all or nothing person. I don't half ass anything and in doing so, I unknowingly sacrifice other things.  My sanity for one.  I sort of worked myself a little too hard this year and set myself on a very slow decline.  So slow that I didn't even realise until I was stuck in a two week stink of exhaustion and a shitty attitude, inevitably leading to feelings of helplessness, inflamed skin and a chest infection.  

Now before I get too into this I want to be completely honest about something that I would love for you all to understand. In the past, every time I have tried to force myself out of a rut and do a 180 on my mentality at lightening speed, it has backfired every time.  I suck at too many rules and restrictions, so when I try to rebuild Rome in a day, it's too much for me and I crash again (note aforementioned sucking at concept of 'balance')  It is SUPER important to realise the significance of the process of standing up again from the fall. Yes, process. Through my own downright consistency in being wayyyy to hard on myself, I realised that crashing has it's own process too, that we all need to go through in order to feel strong enough to get back up again.  I know right- wtf am I on about? WELL.  If you feel like ass and you want to spend your entire weekend on the couch eating shitty food and not answering your phone, do it. If you don't want to go to the gym all week, no worries, don't go.  If you want to take a few days off work to get some space, go for it. The worst thing you can do- is criticise yourself for wanting to do these things, it will only make you feel worse. Because one thing they all have in common is R-E-S-T.  You feel this way for a reason, the minute you start beating yourself up about being burned out or feeling like shit, is the minute you stop giving yourself well deserved credit for hard work. SO CUT IT OUT, love yourself enough to know that you aren't 20 humans in 1 and every now and then you need to push your watch forward to 'fuck-this-shit o'clock'.

Back to it- a long time ago, I gave up allowing things I had no control over to have control over me.  I realised that every morning I wake up, I have a choice over how my day goes.  I can wake up in the morning and allow all of my woes to overwhelm me, or I can wake up in the morning and enjoy the shit out of my day.  

Once I noticed the state my mind was in following this two week stink, I reached out to my friend Lib who has what I like to call a 'rubber skull'. Seriously- anything that seems to comes this girls way and I mean ANYTHING, just seems to bounce right off her (I physically demonstrate how I visualise this to her by making pew! pew! noises as shitty things bounce off her head).  I sent her a message that just simply said 'girl, can you please send me the mindset stuff you do in the morning?' 'Sure thing!' The very next day I started.

Every morning since, I go for a walk, spend five minutes doing breathing exercises, five minutes saying gratitudes, and five minutes of intentions for the day/ week/ month. I say these intentions in the present tense and with gratitude, so I'm also able to get my manifesting hat on (read my 'Abracadabra' post from a while back). I get home, have a protein shake, and meditate for at least ten minutes. Then I go to the gym. Starting my day like this, I saw changes in my head space immediately. Within three days I felt invincible.  I realised that for me to stay in a good headspace, I need to actively think positive. I need to actively work on a Positive Mental Attitude.  Think about it like this- you don't go to the gym once and expect that you'll be fit for the rest of your life right? You don't eat all the cake and expect to wake up with a six pack, so don't expect to wake up with a Positive Mental Attitude if you're going to feed your mind garbage thoughts.

Negative thoughts are a conditioned response.  From a young age we're taught to be 'modest', and more critical than compassionate both to ourselves and others.  As we grow, so do those negative tendencies.  The good news is, it is just as easy to condition positive thoughts into your brain.  We need to exercise our minds the same way we exercise in the gym.  This may sound a bit silly to you at first- but there is a reason you're reading this post, and I'm giving you the answer right now.  Now before you go on with all of the 'I don't have time to go for a walk and meditate that much', in the words of one of my favourite spiritual babes Gabby Bernstein; 'If you don't make time to meditate, you are actively choosing to feel like shit'. And she's right. Serious, yesterday I was feeling so mentally congested I think meditated a total of four times in the one day, and trained twice. Today I feel right as rain.  So don't plan your pity party if you're not willing to put in a little work on the PMA.

Pointers from a fellow crazy to you:

1. How you start you day, is in direct correlation with how you end your day. So start it smart.

2. Try to practice rebutting your negative thoughts with the opposite. It may be a struggle at first but this is some mental conditioning that will do you some serious good.  Stick to it and after a while it will become as habitual as the negative crap you keep thinking.
3. MEDITATE. This isn't just for spiritual hippies who have nothing better to do with their time.  In fact it is quite difficult to quiet the mind and practice makes perfect. Here is my favourite meditation app which I use every single day. It is a guided meditation app that also has it's own social network. So you can link with people, bookmark your fave meditations or one you want to try. Mine at the moment are 'Embodied Wakefulness' and 'Morning Meditation with music'.
4. It's important to not only train the negative thoughts we have about ourselves, but the negative thoughts we have about others too.  Pay attention to the things you say and think of others, in most cases they are a reflection of what you feel for yourself. When you think negative of someone else, try to analyse how the statement relates to you and why you feel that way. Then, treat the source. I made it a personal mission of my own to be less judgemental of others a while ago. I questioned why I felt a certain way about certain people, and realised I needed to forgive myself about a thing or two.  Since, I have been less concerned with the dramas of other people, and more concerned in being a good person myself. 
5. Get yourself a really nice little notebook and pen (always helps when it's nice because you want to take better care of it). Every night write in it, three things  you are grateful for, three things you learned, and three things you want to do tomorrow. I don't care if you're grateful for peanut butter, or if you want to cut your toenails tomorrow. Small notes like this help us to celebrate little victories. If you want a little more elaboration on self documentation, check my 'Check Yourself Before You Wreck Yourself' post.

Don't feel like you need to rebuild Rome in a day if you take a hit, because you will fail.  Let yourself feel the fall, take some time, and then make small adjustments. Challenge yourself to do it for 10 days. Then try 21, then a month. Work hard at your mindset until it feels like you're hardly working at all.

'The primary cause of unhappiness is never the situation but thought about it.  Be aware of the thoughts you are thinking. Separate them from the situation, which is always neutral.  It is as it is.' - Eckhart Tolle.

INSTAGRAM VS. REAL LIFE

HEY GUYS. First things first- hope you are well, loving yourself, saying nice things about yourself and looking after yourself (if not turn yourself in! em@theemfields.com).

Inspired by this nasty article that was written about the gorgeous Tash Oakley,  today I wanted to talk about something that's reeeally been grinding my gears lately; the 'instagram VS. real life' bullshit.

First of all- is this supposed to make me feel better you straight up bully? 'Be a negative asshole about people you don't even know and you can have a fulfilling and happy life too!' *rolls eyes* 

Before I get into my standard 'love yo'self' pep talk, I'm going to make crystal clear the not-so-ugly truths about the world of social media so that all you negative nancy's can shhhhhh.

Social Media, aside from communication and now the business aspect, is created almost exclusively for shameless self promotion. THERE I SAID IT, NOW GET OVER IT.  It is designed to post selfies, talk about ourselves, show the world what we're doing, reach out to people, communicate, and where we see fit, do good.  It seems that with this, the world has created a 'damned if you do, damned if you don't' mentality.  I could sit here all day and celebrate all of the wonderful things about myself, or I could sit here, and drown in sorrow over all the things I hate. Either way, I get called arrogant, or negative and annoying. I've said it before and I will say it again- if you have nothing better to do with your time than sit on someone else's social media page and be negative, that says more about you as a human being than them.  A wise woman once said to me that our opinions of others are in most cases a reflection of what we feel about ourselves (thanks Case), so think twice the next time you call someone a fat cow, it might be a sign that you feel YOU need to get your shit together.

Now, those of us who are lucky enough to have supportive friends, parents, family, siblings or all of the above are familiar with positive reinforcement.  Once or twice in your life you have been told to focus on the good in you, am I right?  Using myself as an example, if I want to post something on my Instagram or facebook, am I going to post a selfie where I look like shit, or a selfie where I feel pretty? Hmmm? If I'm feeling sassy, and that my leaner diet and extra work in the gym is paying off, am I going to post a photo with shitty lighting that doesn't adequately show off what I'm celebrating or am I going to post a photo that makes me feel good? What would YOU do? Think about it.  I'm sick of seeing all of this 'deception' rubbish, profile pic vs in the club crap.  I don't post things for other people to like me, and more often than not, other people don't either. They post photos for themselves. They post a nice photo because it makes them feel good, so where in the hell do people get the idea that they have a right to tear them down?

Returning from Europe, too much beer, processed foods, recycled air from planes and hotels, I've been left with really awful skin and a less than flatteringly fat ass. Does the world expect me to dwell on that? Think my life is over because my skin has more pimples than normal and I have cellulite on my ass? Well, not sorry, but no, I'm not going to. I'm going to celebrate the good parts of myself.  I'm going to post photos that make me feel good about myself and if you have a problem with that then that is exactly what that is- your problem. So here, have some completely unfiltered photos of what would make the cut on the gram, and what wouldn't (FYI, Lighting was kind to me on this day and the cellulite doesn't even look that bad).  THIS IS JUST WHAT PEOPLE DO TO FEEL GOOD/ WHEN THEY FEEL GOOD. MIND YA DAMN BUSINESS. FUCK. 

Here, we enter the cliches; 'Nobody is perfect', lame, but true. No one is. Serious- the other day I watched Kylie Jenner's snapchat story of her giving a makeup tutorial and (this is not intended to be mean whatsoever) but the size of her pores made me feel so much better about the state of my skin. I always thought her skin was ridiculously flawless then I remember thinking 'wow, she's just like me'.  These people we compare ourselves to are normal people, who have their own insecurities, their own flaws, and their own feelings too.  They have bad days just like us. They wake up with bad breath, and unmanageable hair, and stomach rolls, and cellulite.  These nasty articles demonising an anatomical feature as everyday as cellulite, only makes the rest of us feel less human. It doesn't make us feel better. 

We need to come together, and normalise these things and instead say something positive.  Tash has stunning, natural curves.  Not once has she said 'I'm perfect, I don't have cellulite'. She's celebrated and highlighted the parts of herself she likes the most.  The parts that make her feel good, just like the rest of us do.  Next time you want to try the whole 'she looks so different on instagram' garbage-

1. Of course she does, she can't carry a valencia filter with her to yoga class, her gym bag is probs already full

2. Why do you even care? 

'Comparison is the thief of joy' -Theodore Roosevelt

MUMMA'S ALWAYS RIGHT

As a kid, you have this strange love/hate relationship with with your parents.  Loving them, missing them, hating them when you couldn't have your friends over or stay up late.  I find it funny how the things my Mother used to say to me as a kid make so much sense to me as an adult now. 

One thing I've really noticed lately is the expression 'just be yourself, they will love you for who you are'.  When I was younger I'd think 'what does that even mean Mum?! I don't know who tf I am?!'  And of course now, I get it.

I've been looking around at my life lately, appreciating.  Especially the people.  I have now, a better circle of incredible humans than I've ever had before.  They're not all my best friends, some may just be acquaintances or a mutual friend, but I'm noticing a trend as my friendship circle grows it's organic layers.  Everyone in my life is a fuggin decent and caring human being.  Now the mindset developer in me is like 'uhhh... where did all these legends come from?' I started thinking about how I became connected with these people.  What had I done to be so blessed.

The truth is, I stopped 'trying' and just started 'being'. To be honest this wasn't really a conscious decision.  I stopped giving fucks where fucks shouldn't be given.  I think I sort of hit rock bottom with a few shitty friendships and relationships and just said 'I really can't be bothered anymore'.  I just started being unapologetically me.  Honest, confrontational, ridiculous, loud, empathetic, moody, impatient, caring, generous.  I stopped worrying about what others would think or say and started focusing on 'would I be my friend? What would I think of me if I met myself today?' To be honest, I thought I was pretty damn rad. And although it took me a few years of overcoming difficult times and nourishing my garden on confidence, I just started rolling with who I was.

I've learned now that the right kinds of people will love you for exactly who you are. They will forgive you when you over react about something dumb, they won't judge you when you're an embarrassing drunk, they'll leave you alone when you want to chill all day on the couch and just be a slob.  Learn to be OK with exactly who you are.  It won't happen overnight, be patient with yourself.  Once you get there you'll wish you had listened to yo' mumma way back when, and you'll be surrounded by a plethora of amazing humans.  You got this.

'How you love yourself is how you teach others to love you' -Rupi Kaur